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YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/THE MOST OFTEN ASKED QUESTION: WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE TO START SEX?
”Why am I always the one to start sex, to make the gesture or
the first step? I always do it. He responds most times, but I seem
to be the one who really wants it most. Why can’t he start it
sometimes? Why doesn’t he want me like I want him? Why is
his sex drive so much lower than mine?”
ANSWER: It’s not, because the issue is not sex drive at all. We have to refine this question before I can answer it. We have to find out what “always” means, we have to find out how you both feel beyond the actual sexual gestures, and we have to get more information on the differences between wanting, needing, interest, arousal, excitement, and other aspects of sexuality. Once we get all of that information, you may find that it doesn’t matter who starts it just as long as both of you enjoy it. You also will probably find that the entire sexual-response system changes over time, and your roles will change along with it. Overinterpreting what is happening now neglects the years of changes in sexual interaction that take place in marriage. That’s one of the advantages of marriage over other short-term sexual relationships. There is always time for change. Interpreting sexual motives and feelings is always dangerous. Remember the super sex rule that you will feel as you behave, so patterns of behavior can dictate feelings, and feelings can be changed by behavioral pattern change. Finally, remember that you are starting fresh, are going to be reintroduced to one another sensuously, so who knows what new patterns of invitation and recep-tiveness might develop. There is nothing wrong with either of you, but your system of interacting sexually can change in directions that both of you prefer. Look first at what is happening between you, not what might be going on within each of you. That’s where you can make the real progress that can actually change how you feel.
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